They tell me about a lot of things, about the world, but i guess they forget to tell me about me

Tonite i watch a movie
It called 'another earth'
This movie actually tell me a lot of things, yes a lot of things, not about things, other things, but about yourself, about life
I never think 'why i have to go to university?' before
Now i realise that for me, just me alone it actually okay if i don't go to university
Acquiring knowledge isn't always about desk, bench, lecturer and a place called university
You can always learn through reading, writing, watching ... living
I hate patterns
I hate rules
Get up every morning, go to university, have some lectures, do assigments, having some social interactions
I mean do you really have to do it?
I wonder how it will feels if i don't do it
It's like having some random days
I wake up, i go for a walk, looking around, examining people, and not having any social interactions
Eat whatever i got to eat, sleep wherever i got to sleep
Doing some jobs just enough for you to live, read and read, think and think, pray
I think i will got something, yeah something incredibly valuable after that
Yes i go to university
I study a lot of things
I study about the world and how it works
Knowing about how it works, does it means i need to follow the course?
So i came to think
I guess they missed something
They have missed to tell me about how to discover myself

Something doesn't worth writing

I thought i wouldn't write about you again cause in some points i think its useless and not worthy
I thought what people said is true that friedship never ends or there is no such a thing called ex-friend, but now i need to rethink about it
I thought our friendship is messed up
Now i am very angry to you for some reasons
Well i never thought this would be turn to be like this nor i expect it
I've tried my best to be a good friend honestly but seriously i couldn't stand you anymore
I consider this is already helpless
Now just live your world and i'll live mine
I've dissapointed enough and angry enough to make me don't wanna hear from you again
Now do whatever you want to do cuz i would not care anymore
And i thought it's just easy for you cuz i think you don't really think about me either don't you?
Remember? When i had my very bad and dark time then i all broke up and feeling so down, you are not even bother to ask 'is everything okay?' right?
So i think it will be okay
Sorry for my mistakes
I hope you are happy for now and then

A Note

I don't know if i really mad at you
I don't know if i really feel sorry for you
I don't know if i should regret what i've done
I don't know if you are mad at me
I don't know if you feel sorry for me
I don't know if you regret it
I don't know if i really care or not
And i don't know if you care or not either
I can't explain this kind of circumstances but i believe there is a cause for everything and everything happens for a reason
Now i am on the edge of the thread
I'll just sit and wait
I'll do nothing
Let's just see do you really care or not?

Untitled

I don't know where to start
What should i put in this writing first
My head is buzzing just like everytime i decide to write down something
Tonight is quite cold
29 degree celcius shown on my screen
And unexpectly today is also known as valentine day, but that is not really the reason why my head is buzzing or why i want to write down something
Today some people are just undescribly happy and other some are undescribly sad
I cannot tell for sure
But for me today is something
For hours until this last minutes to end this day, i've think a lot and realize a lot of things that i've never really thought before
Some are about people, emotions, friends, feelings, ego, love, god
I can't recall all of it but i can tell you for sure how i feel now
This is like a mixture of so many feelings
I can feel relief, sadness,anger, selfishness, happiness, sincerity, wiseful, peace
I feel like now i can really think about other's good
Now i can let go off something meaningful to me for their own good
Now i can think not just about myself
Everything happens for a reason
I can't change everything to be at my side
Smiling and crying at the same time not that because i am totally sad but because i feel so relief that i can realize things that i have never thought before
That i can think using a way that if never wonder before
I think that i am getting more mature and wiser for it
It's like passing another level in life
And i am also very happy at the same time to know that i can write this down and preserve this feeling for the rest of my life

Figuring My Self; You Can Read It Too

May 27 2012, several minutes later I will be 19. In my 19th birthday i have no special wish i just hoping tomorrow i can wake up early and see the sun rise amazingly.
Recently i was thinking about so many thing and one of the important part is about my own self. I found that in some parts of me i am a total suck person. I can be very rude, sarcastic, cold-hearted, unfriendly and horror in some circumstances.
Few days ago when i really think about those stuff i realize that i have a serious problem about complaining. I am very restrict of being complained but i do complain a lot *sigh. When i meet a person which has the personality that i don't like in common i will complain about it to my room mate and i never ever can keep it. After grumbling about it them i realize, that was not good and that was his/her right to do so.
The other thing is i am so cold-hearted. I must admit that i am so ignorance in certain points. Most of the time i don't really care about my surroundings or people around. All i care about is about my mind, about what i think is important. Then i wonder is it ignorance or selfish ? In this kind of state i cannot agree to which phrase i am belonged to.
Yes i know this is me and this is part of me. I cannot deny that everybody has their own bad personality. In my case do you think i am lil bit overboard ?
well as you already knew my dear, i have such a psychological matter to deal with. In some circumstances i believe, that mater has something to do with my personality. It affect my mental and social conditions. That is why you'll find me as a person with a weird personality. Compare to the people around my age and gender i am very different. I am hard to read and so to understand. Even my own self cannot be sure about who truly i am.
Many times i was being nice to people (in my points of view), and we consider our self as sort of 'friends'. I was acceptably behaving nice to them and try to help them out whenever they need me to, but then look the just come if they need my help, isn't it irritable ? The rule is simple if you nice to me then i'll be nice to you too. if you care about me then i'll be too. If i care about you but you don't, i will be no longer care about you anymore. One of my best ability is to forget. Maybe it is due to so many pain i had back then, and my mind adapted try to protect me from it, by making my mind fast in forgetting or cover it up like it was not there but it was there all the time. So don't be hesitate on my ability.
This is my birthday present to every soul that fortunate to read this. Through this writing i try to figure out who i am and you can read it too.

Salam Derita

Malam ini aku berhasil tertawa
Menertawai diri yang merana ini
Betapapun sakitnya ternyata aku masih bisa tersenyum
Tersenyum bersama jutaan tetes air mata

Memang tak ada yang abadi
Seberapa tegarnya karang lama kelamaan akan habis terkikis juga
Seberapa kuatnya logam lama kelamaan akan leleh juga oleh panas
Karang dan logam dua hal yang sangat kuat, namun bagaimana dengan hati ini ?
Sampai kapankah ia akan bertahan ?

Tatapanku liar tak terarah karena memang sudah tak ada lagi arah yang tersisa
Yang tersisa hanya racun dan duri
Adakah orang yang tahu ?
Adakah yang peduli ?
Mereka kira aku baik baik saja, bahagia
Mereka pikir apa yang mereka lakukan adalah yang terbaik bagi semua tapi ternyata tidak buatku
Pengecut memang aku ini
Tapi itu karena aku tak ingin ada yang terluka
Kuambil langkah kedepan biarkan diri ini terluka

Air tenang menghanyutkan
Mungkin aku tampak tegar namun jauh kedalam menyelami lorong2 kelam benakku aku seperti sekarat
Bersama angin kukirimkan salam deritaku sampai jantung ini sudah tak sanggup lagi

Even breathing doesn't feel alright

When he eventually moved out to a place where he thinks he might be belong
Let some suffer but he didn't find it any ease either
Some assumptions lead to an accident that he didn't ever meant to happen
An evil or an angel, i don't know for sure, but i guess she is just a mere human
Brings out a wave of suffering that actually she didn't mean to be
Maybe none means it to be like this but when you finally decide to cheat on your faith to grasp a delusional happiness that lies upon your eyes, all the hearts break in tears and bleed
Two real victims grounded and suffocated
Nothing can be done
Watching and suffering is all they got
Can they see ?
Can they feel ?
With all my consciousness and after so many process of thinking, I still can't figure out this situation
I lost in despair and screaming in vain
Nothing's clear, All's messed up
What do i do ?
I have neither reason nor courage
All i know and realize is just i start to get very tired of pretending that everything is okay or everything is gonna be okay at the end, cuz i have nothing to rely on
And now even breathing doesn't feel alright

[Re-writed from a piece of paper that i wrote in a college subject]