Figuring My Self; You Can Read It Too

May 27 2012, several minutes later I will be 19. In my 19th birthday i have no special wish i just hoping tomorrow i can wake up early and see the sun rise amazingly.
Recently i was thinking about so many thing and one of the important part is about my own self. I found that in some parts of me i am a total suck person. I can be very rude, sarcastic, cold-hearted, unfriendly and horror in some circumstances.
Few days ago when i really think about those stuff i realize that i have a serious problem about complaining. I am very restrict of being complained but i do complain a lot *sigh. When i meet a person which has the personality that i don't like in common i will complain about it to my room mate and i never ever can keep it. After grumbling about it them i realize, that was not good and that was his/her right to do so.
The other thing is i am so cold-hearted. I must admit that i am so ignorance in certain points. Most of the time i don't really care about my surroundings or people around. All i care about is about my mind, about what i think is important. Then i wonder is it ignorance or selfish ? In this kind of state i cannot agree to which phrase i am belonged to.
Yes i know this is me and this is part of me. I cannot deny that everybody has their own bad personality. In my case do you think i am lil bit overboard ?
well as you already knew my dear, i have such a psychological matter to deal with. In some circumstances i believe, that mater has something to do with my personality. It affect my mental and social conditions. That is why you'll find me as a person with a weird personality. Compare to the people around my age and gender i am very different. I am hard to read and so to understand. Even my own self cannot be sure about who truly i am.
Many times i was being nice to people (in my points of view), and we consider our self as sort of 'friends'. I was acceptably behaving nice to them and try to help them out whenever they need me to, but then look the just come if they need my help, isn't it irritable ? The rule is simple if you nice to me then i'll be nice to you too. if you care about me then i'll be too. If i care about you but you don't, i will be no longer care about you anymore. One of my best ability is to forget. Maybe it is due to so many pain i had back then, and my mind adapted try to protect me from it, by making my mind fast in forgetting or cover it up like it was not there but it was there all the time. So don't be hesitate on my ability.
This is my birthday present to every soul that fortunate to read this. Through this writing i try to figure out who i am and you can read it too.

Salam Derita

Malam ini aku berhasil tertawa
Menertawai diri yang merana ini
Betapapun sakitnya ternyata aku masih bisa tersenyum
Tersenyum bersama jutaan tetes air mata

Memang tak ada yang abadi
Seberapa tegarnya karang lama kelamaan akan habis terkikis juga
Seberapa kuatnya logam lama kelamaan akan leleh juga oleh panas
Karang dan logam dua hal yang sangat kuat, namun bagaimana dengan hati ini ?
Sampai kapankah ia akan bertahan ?

Tatapanku liar tak terarah karena memang sudah tak ada lagi arah yang tersisa
Yang tersisa hanya racun dan duri
Adakah orang yang tahu ?
Adakah yang peduli ?
Mereka kira aku baik baik saja, bahagia
Mereka pikir apa yang mereka lakukan adalah yang terbaik bagi semua tapi ternyata tidak buatku
Pengecut memang aku ini
Tapi itu karena aku tak ingin ada yang terluka
Kuambil langkah kedepan biarkan diri ini terluka

Air tenang menghanyutkan
Mungkin aku tampak tegar namun jauh kedalam menyelami lorong2 kelam benakku aku seperti sekarat
Bersama angin kukirimkan salam deritaku sampai jantung ini sudah tak sanggup lagi

Even breathing doesn't feel alright

When he eventually moved out to a place where he thinks he might be belong
Let some suffer but he didn't find it any ease either
Some assumptions lead to an accident that he didn't ever meant to happen
An evil or an angel, i don't know for sure, but i guess she is just a mere human
Brings out a wave of suffering that actually she didn't mean to be
Maybe none means it to be like this but when you finally decide to cheat on your faith to grasp a delusional happiness that lies upon your eyes, all the hearts break in tears and bleed
Two real victims grounded and suffocated
Nothing can be done
Watching and suffering is all they got
Can they see ?
Can they feel ?
With all my consciousness and after so many process of thinking, I still can't figure out this situation
I lost in despair and screaming in vain
Nothing's clear, All's messed up
What do i do ?
I have neither reason nor courage
All i know and realize is just i start to get very tired of pretending that everything is okay or everything is gonna be okay at the end, cuz i have nothing to rely on
And now even breathing doesn't feel alright

[Re-writed from a piece of paper that i wrote in a college subject]

Kenangan Yang Membekas

           [repost] Jujur, takbanyak yang bisa kuingat tentang malam itu, namun bila dibandingkan denganmalam-malam lainnya, memori tentang malam itulah yang masih sering datangmengunjungi benakku. Dalam ingatanku, sebuah rumah yang baru selesai dibangundan sebuah keluarga yang tampak harmonis. Seorang ayah pekerja keras, ibu yangperhatian dan seorang anak perempuan periang yang sebentar lagi akan genapberusia 8 tahun. Tak ada yang salah selama itu, sampai aku menyadari sebuah halpada malam itu yang mengubah caraku memandang hidup.

Bukan tanggalbukan juga hari, yang kuingat hanyalah pagi itu sama seperti pagi-pagi kemarin.Anak perempuan itu seperti biasanya bangun dan berangkat ke sekolah denganwajah yang cerah, tak ada tanda-tanda kejanggalan.

Anak perempuanitu masih duduk dibangku sekolah dasar, walau tidak pernah menyabet gelarjuara, nilai rapornya cukup baik tanpa mengikuti les mata pelajaran apapun.Sama seperti kebanyakan anak seusianya ia gemar bermain. Menurutnya hidupnyabegitu bahagia, ia bisa bermain sampai puas, nilainya cukup bagus dankeluarganya bahagia. Kadang ia teringat dengan perkataan ibunya tentang betapaberuntungnya mereka mempunyai keluarga yang indah yang kadang sampai membuatorang-orang iri melihat mereka karena mereka selalu bersama kemana saja, walausepeda motor mereka akan menjadi begitu sesak jika diduduki bertiga. Sebuahsenyuman muncul di wajahnya.

Sore itu iabaru pulang dari rumah sepupunya setelah seharian bermain, tanpa basa basi ialangsung menuju kamar mandi untuk membersihkan diri.  Dilihatnya dirinya dicermin sudah rapi, iapun tersenyumpuas. Langit sudah mulai gelap dihampirinya kedua orang tuanya yang sedangberada di gazebo kecil milik merekayang berada ditengah halaman. Kedua orang tuanya tampak sedangberbincang-bincang, iapun datang mendekat., dan duduk diantara mereka.

Dipandangnyakedua orang tuanya secara bergantian, mereka tampak membicarakan hal yang tidakia mengerti sama sekali. Dia hanya tertegun dan diam, “mungkin hanyapembicaraan orang dewasa” pikirnya, sampai salah satu dari mereka membisikkanpertanyaan yang tidak masuk akal yang sekaligus meracuni sisa hidupnya

Ketika iasadar pada detik berikutnya, ia telah ada di dapur. Sebuah pisau belati adadalam genggamannya. Ia tampak ragu-ragu. Diingatnya lagi apa yang dibisikkan ketelinganya “kalau nanti kami berpisah, kamu mau sama siapa?” air matapun takkuasa ia bendung , ia kira selama ini semua baik-baik saja dan akan begituhingga akhir hayatnya. Tapi ternyata keluarga mereka telah retak. Perasaannyabercampur aduk. Hatinya begitu perih dan sakit. Sebuah lubang tak kasat mataseperti tiba-tiba muncul dihatinya. Ia sangat menyayangi kedua orang tuanyahingga tak dapat ia bayangkan hidup tanpa salah satu dari mereka, sampai membuatnyaingin menghabisi nyawanya sendiri.

Ditariknyanafas dalam-dalam dan perlahan diletakkannya belati itu. Walau hatinya begituperih tapi ia tahu bahwa ia tak ingin mati sia-sia seperti ini yang malah akanmembuat orang tuanya sedih dan makin hancur. Akan ia coba untuk menjalanihidupnya esok demi dirinya demi orang tuanya.

Kenangantentang malam itu terus membekas hingga saat ini. Mungkin kalau anak itu takberhasil meyakinkan dirinya untuk tetap hidup aku tak akan pernah bisa menulistulisan ini, karena anak itu adalah aku. Mungkin malam itu dan hari-hariberikutnya aku masih belum tahu kenapa aku masih harus bertahan. Tapi kemudianaku sadar bahwa dunia  ini  tak perlu berakhir walau orang tuamusudah tidak akur lagi. Kamu hanya perlu hidup untuk dirimu, melihat banyakkeajaiban, bertemu sahabat yang ada saat kamu menangis ataupun tertawa,memenuhi semua impianmu dari yang konyol hingga serius, menggapai cita-citamudan yang paling penting adalah aku tetap hidup malam itu untuk menyadari bahwabagaimanapun mereka adalah tetap orang tuaku dan walau mereka sudah tidak cocoklagi, mereka tetap menyayangiku, mendukungku selalu dan tak pernah sekalipunmenelantarkanku.

So it was April 4th 2012 i found plan A and plan B, none of them is sweet

Dilema

Hati yang remuk terasa tak bertulang
Langkahku gontai tak tau arah
Berulang kali aku seka air mataku
Tak tahu sudah berapa tetes yang terurai
Malam ini sunyi senyap tak berbintang dan hujan
Sendiri kuratapi hidupku
Sebuah pilihan pahit terlihat menunggu di ambang jalan
Tak ada yang bakal bisa merasakan betapa sakitnya dada ini
Tak ada juga yang bakal tahu seberapa parah aku terluka
Hanya aku dan diriku yang bergulat dengan kenyataan pilu yang baru ku jumpai
Pikiran-pikiran tentang yg mungkin terjadi di masa depan mulai mengusikku buat ku susah bernafas
Tampaknya tak akan bisa tidur pulas malam ini
Aku tak mengerti apa yang kurasa apakah seharusnya aku marah ?
Tapi aku tak marah sama sekali
Yang aku tahu hanya rasa sedih yang tak berujung
Malam makin kelam dan hujan makin ganas
Akupun ikut tenggelam bersamanya
Bersama isak tangisku
Aku tak tahu aku sedang berada dimana
Aku tersesat tanpa secercah cahayapun
Aku memohon kepada-Mu untuk sebuah harapan

Aliran Sungai

Kadang ia mengalir deras.
Kadang ia hilang tanpa ara.
Terik matahari kadang tak sanggup keringkannya.
Bahkan hujan deras sekalipun tak tentu berhasil bujuknya tuk mengalir.
Namun ketika ia terisi disanalah hatinya perih.
Selalu ia disana, menunggu saatnya muncul.
Menanti saat kepergiannya bersama hembusan nafas yang terakhir.

Curcol

Wahahahaha
Udah lama ni gak berkabar :p
Bingung juga soalnya mau nulis apa padahal beberapa kali udah ada ide buat nulis tapi gak kesampean, yah soalnya temanya seperti biasa jadi gak tak tulis biar gak bosen juga terus sama tulisan gundah yang menyayat hati.
Ayo lo nulis apa dong ?
Sekarang ip-ku udah keluar (post sebelum) ternyata gak jelek yeeeey :D jadi aku gak nangis malah seneng karena ip-ny 3,87 hampir sempurna, tapi malah beban juga buat semester ini -_- semoga bisa ya tetep bagus nanti :D
Sampe sekarang aku belum juga produktif nih #curcol -_- Maunya belajar main gitar gak kesampean, males gak ad yg ngajar sama tune gitarnya, gambar gak ada inspirasi plus pasti gak bisa buat gambar yang lagi action pasti kaku :' kalo masak, lagi gak ada yg pengen dimasak, review musik plus jelajah dunia musik masih belum nemu band-band yg catchy sama seleraku, baca novel lagi males -_- padahal udah jadi admin di akun twitter @percy_indo masih juga males ngetwit ya gak fanatik juga ama percy sih .-.
Phew ~
Semoga nanti aku bisa gak males lagi dan gak moodan yah tapi memang ini karakterku sih :|
yah semoga ad sesuatu yg menarik hati hingga aku jadi lebih produktif yah :D

P.S. : yang baca bole rekomendasi kegiatan ato apapun ya :p

This evil always feed on my sorrow that make it enormously fat

"Bad days were gone and sorrow were fading" that was what i thought. But it wasn't true entirely. There are some momments that you could help of it's coming. When you knock yourself off there is a huge wave of bad memories, bad thought, bad suggestion are haunting you made you even more sick.
Maybe i sound like i am so frustrate and vulnerable, it might be, but it happen in just certain points that i cannot endure any longer. In my usual days, i act like everybody does, but when some problem got into me, i will be like this, all the wounds cracked open and start to be pain again. I know and truly realized that, this is not just a person fault and i shouldn't feel this way, but it's damn painful. It hurts a lot.
Well, i wrote this not to show that I am weak. I am not weak, I am not vulnerable and i don't want people to feel sorry for me. I just need a place to get off of this.
This is where i try to redeem my self. This is a story that would never be told to just anyone.
I knew for sure that the pains and the hurts would last until the problem is solved. When it happen only 2 possiblities remains, will it be better or worse even became more painful or less painful ?
Hope tomorrow's sunrise can make me feel better ~

Music, A Vital Role

Just felt inspired by a writing on my friend's bf blog. He just wondered how much music matter to your life. So interesting to me since my life also coloured by so many musics, i feel like music is a vital part of my life, it takes bunch of space on my ears, on my mind, on my life

Back to his writing again, there i started to realize that for a music lover although you have a very opposite taste of music or even a very similar taste of music, one thing i certain of is, you will think and feel the exactly same thing that "music is my drug" That is the fact that you couldn't deny.

People grow, learn and developed along with their very own personal tastes of music thus i am always believe that no music is wrong, everybody has their own tastes and i need to remember to appreciate their music how bad is it or how bad i dislike it but for one condition it is original not a plagiarism.

Remember back there, i totally addicted to music when i first met with Linkin Park and it happened when i was in 1st grade in junior high school, my former life was not so buzzed with music even i didn't have any special interest on music just following trend like the other kids do. It changed when i messed with my mom's music collection not to mention my mom a music addict and rock/hardcore lover but i don't get it why i didn't hear so many music when i was a kid *sigh

Mostly Linkin Park, Good Charlotte, Avenged Sevenfold and lil bit of Sum 41, Evanescene, Blink 182, Fall Out Boys etc make my days on junior high school :D It was sooooo fun. It felt soooo goooood to be with your lovable music collection everyday, although i know my music is weird and lil bit abnormal for girls but it doesn't change a thing. When i broke my speaker and couldn't hear Chester Bennington voice i got so frustrated, it meant that music does really matter to me, beside i would express a gravely gratitude to them because of mimicking them, always sing their song, remembering all their lyrics, search for what they want us to know on their song, the meaning of the lyrics make me able to mastered english until reach this level, i've been attended some english competitions as school's representative and won several of them without attending any special english course, that's all thanks to you guys. You make my days, you worth my life

Random

It was saying like this : @XSTROLOGY: #Gemini women cheer many up because they are free little spirits.
My answer :
But when you are broken or sad, a very few people can cheer you up, cuz you have your own world that nobody can easily get inside or nobody can exactly understand it, thats why some time i think and believe that happiness always comes from within :)